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Karen A. Stansbury, Attorney at Law
Founder and Co-Chair, Professional Women’s Alliance of Connecticut

Many of us grew up in the 70’s watching One Day at a Time, a situation comedy featuring a recently divorced young mother, starring Bonnie Franklin, and her two teenaged daughters, played by Mackenzie Phillips and Valerie Bertinelli.

Last year Mackenzie Phillips’ courageous memoir, High on Arrival, shocked her fans by revealing that she had been raped by her world famous father, John Phillips of The Mamas and the Papas. Ms. Phillips, now in her early fifties, has finally faced the tragedy of her past, after a lifetime of drug addiction and destructive relationships. She has made it clear to the public that although her charming and magnetic father was the center of her life, incest is never consensual.

The horrible truth about incest is that it is a common occurrence. Millions of people have suffered from depression, anxiety, mood swings, fear of abandonment, eating disorders, and addictive behaviors as a result of the damage caused by incest. However, as Mackenzie Phillips has proven, healing and empowerment are possible. Therapy and legal help are available. A victim of incest has rights under the law.

Justice

Research shows that most incest perpetrators are fathers, and most victims are their young daughters. The experts claim that incest has reached an epidemic rate of occurrence. Why should children suffer their whole lives, without recourse, from the terrible acts of these pedophiles?

The law should require that incest perpetrators pay for the therapy and medical attention necessary to heal the harm that they’ve caused. Adult survivors are often emotionally paralyzed as a result of their childhood experience. They are prisoners of their own misery, and the opportunity costs of their unbalanced lives are huge. Perpetrators should be forced to provide for career training and living expenses, as well as college and graduate school for the victims. Incest survivors should be compensated, finally, for the pain and anguish that they have endured, and for the lost years of happiness and healthy relationships that they have missed. The law must be clear on statutes of limitations for adult incest victims: the clock should not start running until the victim has discovered that her/his condition is a direct result of incest.

Just because Daddy wears an expensive suit doesn’t mean he isn’t a criminal. There is every reason to believe that these perpetrators, having lost their prey to adulthood, will move on to the next generation of children in the family. The Dark Ages are centuries past. Man is no longer Lord and Master of the home. The abuse must end now.

Professional Training

It’s time to take the taboo out of incest. Professionals must be trained to detect the indicators of a child victim. Therapists should be encouraged to form incest support groups (see below). Survivors often spend years, even decades, on unnecessary medication because they’ve been misdiagnosed as cases of borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia. They have been labeled “crazy,” when what they really are is traumatized.

Medical doctors, police, teachers, ministry, judges and prosecutors, as well as family lawyers should all be educated in order to get these children the help that they desperately need. Above all, they must believe the children.

What is Incest?

Authors Dr. Susan Forward and Craig Buck in Betrayal of Innocence, Incest and its Devastation, report that “[f]or many years, incest was regarded as a bizarre experience occurring only in certain socioeconomic groups . . . . The reality is that incest is ruthlessly democratic and that it occurs in all social, economic, educational, and professional levels.” Forward and Buck explain that the common denominator with incest among these groups, whether the abuse was physical or emotional, is secrecy. “Anything that needs to be kept a secret is not in the child’s best interest and can run the gamut from inappropriate to criminal behavior.” They relate that incest occurs in already troubled families: “[f]amily members are often emotionally isolated from one another and there is usually a good deal of stress, emotional chaos and a confusion of individual boundaries and family roles, which sets the stage for incest . . . . it is the acting out of complex family dynamics . . . .” Forward and Buck clarify that incest “is any overtly sexual contact between people who are either closely related or perceive themselves to be closely related.”

In Secret Survivors, Uncovering Incest and its Aftereffects in Women, E. Sue Blume defines incest as sexual activity which “violates an ongoing bond of trust between a child and a caretaker.” A caretaker may be a parent, step-parent, grandparent, teacher, doctor, friend, neighbor, or babysitter. Blume explains that the significant factor is a power imbalance. The child is dependant on the perpetrator, therefore the abuse has more serious emotional consequences. “Incest is possibly the most crippling experience that a child can endure. It is a violation of body, boundaries, and trust.” The child has no choice but to submit to domination by someone that s/he loves and trusts. S/he feels that s/he can not refuse. S/he has to survive.

Similarly, Judith Lewis Herman, in Father-Daughter Incest, describes incest as the most extreme form of sexual abuse. She writes that while sexual relations between consenting adults is a matter of choice and consent, the final decision between a parent and a child always rests with the parent. “Because a child is powerless in relation to an adult, she is not free to refuse a sexual advance. Therefore, any sexual relationship between the two must necessarily take on some of the coercive characteristics of a rape, even if, as is usually the case, the adult uses positive enticements rather than force to establish the relationship. This is particularly true of incest between parent and child: it is rape in the sense that it is a coerced sexual relationship.” Herman explains that force is rarely necessary to obtain compliance from a child, as the parent’s authority over the child is usually sufficient to compel obedience. “The question of the child’s “consent” is irrelevant. Because the child does not have the power to withhold consent, she does not have the power to grant it.”

What, then, is the definition of sexual activity?

According to Blume, “Given these realities about the true consequences of sexual violation of the dependency bond, incest can be seen as the imposition of sexually inappropriate acts, or acts with sexual overtones, by—or any use of a minor child to meet the sexual or sexual/emotional needs of—one or more persons who derive authority through ongoing emotional bonding with that child.” She explains that incest need not involve intercourse, be overtly genital, or involve touching at all. “Incest can occur through words, sounds, or even exposure of the child to sights or acts that are sexual but do not involve her.” Blume describes the situation in which the child is elevated by the abuser to spouse-confident. In this scenario the child “becomes a partner for one parent while she must suffer through repeated litanies of the failings, including sexual, of the other parent.” The child may be bestowed with special attentions or gifts. “Having been made the betrayer of one parent and mate, and “kept woman” of the other, she is filled with ambivalence, and robbed of both her parents and her childhood.”

Forward and Buck report that there exist “a wide range of experiences that are forced on children that may never involve actual body contact, but which, nevertheless, create a climate in which the child feels unsafe and bewildered.” The authors label such behaviors as “psychological incest,” and the list includes voyeurism, exhibitionism, masturbating in front of a child, having the child pose for nude pictures in suggestive poses, and repetitive seductive and suggestive remarks.

Herman defines “covert” incest, (as opposed to “overt” incest) or seductiveness, to refer to behavior that is sexually motivated, but does not involve physical contact, or the need for secrecy. Instead, the abuser constantly talks about sex with the child, confides details of his/her sex life, shows pornography to the child, exhibits his/her genitalia to the child, or spies upon the child while s/he is undressing. Other perpetrators court the child like a jealous lover, bringing her/him presents of flowers, jewelry, or sexy underwear. “Although all these behaviors stopped short of genital contact,” Herman writes, “they clearly betrayed the fathers’ intrusive sexual interest in their daughters, which was a form of covert incest.”

The Consequences of Incest

Forward and Buck reveal the motto of the incest victim: “Think of the lowest thing in the world, and whatever it is, I’m lower.” They explain that incest is so devastating to its victims “partly because of our cultural reactions to incest, to a greater degree because the child is thrust into an adult role for which he or she is unprepared, and, most tragically, because of the aggressor’s betrayal of the child’s trust and dependence.” They clarify that is incest is so powerful because it “is set within a constellation of family emotions and conflicts. There is no stranger to run from, no home to run to. The child can not feel safe in his or her own bed. The victim must learn to live with incest; it flavors the child’s entire world. The aggressor is always there, incest is often a continuing horror for the victim.” Adult survivors describe themselves as “Dirty, Damaged, and Different.”

Herman summarizes the question of harm to an incest victim: “the preponderance of evidence suggests that for any child, sexual contact with an adult, especially a trusted relative, is a significant trauma which may have long-lasting deleterious effects.” She lists the most common complaints as feelings of shame and guilt, depression, low self-esteem, feelings of isolation, problems with interpersonal relations, mistrust of men, and a “repetitious compulsion” with respect to abusive relationships. “The incest experience has left them feeling that they were good for little else besides sex. . . . [m]any oscillated between periods of compulsive sexual activity and periods of asceticism and abstinence.”

Blume writes that there is no balance in the life of an incest survivor. The child victim’s ability to form healthy social contacts is arrested. “She is even more dependant on her caretakers . . . in other words, her captors.” Blume explains that secrecy, imposed on a victim of incest, is a necessary component of control. “The secrecy surrounding the abuse validates what her guts have been telling her—that there is something wrong—but renders her even more incapable of doing anything about it. In many ways the secret may be more damaging than the incest, with its resulting confusion, self-doubt, and feelings of craziness and powerlessness.” The incest survivor has the sense of being “soiled and spoiled.” Her/his energies are devoted to the dodge and weave maneuvers necessary for survival. S/he has developed behaviors that mask and compensate for her/his missing self-esteem. S/he will anticipate the needs of others, thereby forestalling criticism, abuse and abandonment. “In short, she has learned an entire repertoire of skills that sabotage intimacy.” S/he is imprisoned by silence.

Hypothetical Client

Sue is now in her late thirties. Her step-father, the only father she has ever known, is a wealthy corporate executive, and politically connected. Sue’s family is high profile in the community. She feels unloved by her family, especially her mother, and has always craved her step-father’s affection and approval. When Sue was still a young girl, her step-father began coming into her room at night and molesting her. He warned her that this was their secret; if she told, the entire family would be ruined, and it would be her fault. They would throw her out without a dime. She really wasn’t one of them, after all.

When her step-father wasn’t molesting Sue, he was devaluing her; telling her that she was a slut, that she couldn’t survive without his financial support, and that she was worth nothing. Sue was emotionally destroyed by this abuse. When she was just fifteen, Sue became pregnant as a result of the incest, and had a breakdown. Her therapist, not experienced with incest cases, diagnosed Sue as suffering from bipolar disorder, and she has been on medication ever since. Her family is embarrassed by her condition. They repeatedly refer to Sue as “crazy,” “special needs,” and “loser.” They keep her separate from their social circles as much as possible.

Sue has always felt isolated. She wonders what it would be like to feel normal. She worries that she is crazy. She believes that she has to protect her step-father, and her family at all costs. Sue is still clinging to the hope that one day she will win her step-father’s love. She has to hold on to this fantasy, to survive. She can’t handle the truth: that her step-father would sacrifice anything, even Sue’s life, to keep her confined, and silent. He has already sacrificed her childhood, her innocence, and her sanity.

As an adult, Sue struggles with depression, frequent anxiety attacks, severe mood swings, terror of abandonment, and dramatic weight changes. She finds it impossible to trust anything, even her own judgment. Close friendships are impossible for her. She is uncomfortable with sex, and her sexuality. Although Sue prays to find someone who truly loves her, and who is on her side, she has never been able to commit to an intimate relationship. She has always felt that it would be a betrayal. She would be cheating on her step-father. She feels that she is his possession, and that she has no right to a life outside of his needs. She tells herself that she is married to him. She is always afraid.

How can Sue heal from the horrific abuse that she has suffered at the hands of this disgusting predator?

Therapy

In Toxic Parents, Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life, Dr. Susan Forward writes that “[p]rofessional help is a must for adults who were sexually abused as children. Nothing in my experience responds more dramatically and completely to therapy, despite the depth of the damage.” Forward explains that finding a therapist who is specifically trained or experienced in working with incest survivors is essential.

Within her group therapy sessions, Dr. Forward takes incest victims through three stages of emotional healing: outrage, grief, and release. Her therapy techniques include writing letters to both parents (not necessarily sent), and role playing, which “cuts through the intellectualizing and denial that you may be using as a defense against your feelings. It offers you a chance to express the full range of your emotions toward family members . . . . [i]t provides a safe atmosphere for you to try out new behaviors. All of these factors are essential for successful treatment.” Forward expands on her use of role playing, or “psychodrama” in Betrayal of Innocence. She explains that psychodrama provides incest survivors the chance to explore and resolve conflicts by acting them out in short, improvised scenes. Forward reports that she has found psychodrama to be the most effective means of working with the trauma brought on by incest. “The patient need not go into the sexual details of the incest: Her feelings about what happened are the major focus of the treatment . . . . anyone who has been involved in incest can do something about the trauma now—through psychotherapy.”

In Toxic Parents Forward also advocates what she calls the “No” Exercise. She explains that a great majority of incest victims don’t know how to say “no,” and that this feeling of powerlessness is a direct result of having been “coerced, intimidated and humiliated by a powerful parent.” She teaches incest survivors to “Rewrite History,” by visualizing their abusers and forcing them to go away. Forward describes this experience as an “exciting and empowering exercise.” Forward reports that most of the incest survivors in her groups take a year, to a year and a half to work through the treatment cycle. “Though life may look grim from the perspective of an incest victim, therapy does work.”

Judith Herman, author of Father-Daughter Incest, writes that for many clients, group therapy may be preferable to individual therapy, as sharing with other incest survivors offers more rapid and complete results than individual therapy alone. First, Herman explains, because relating to a group resolves the secrecy issue; second, because the group will absolve the client of the shame and guilt that s/he feels; and finally, because group therapy will diminish the humiliation of being a patient. “[R]esults testify to the extraordinary potential that victims have for helping one another. Therapists who are in a position to bring incest victims together should make every attempt to do so . . . .”

Herman laments the fact that therapists are only now becoming trained to detect the specific symptoms of incest survivors: “[b]ecause incest was so long overlooked in the mental health professions, patients often encountered denial when they attempted to disclose their secrets. As one of the first researchers to offer treatment guidelines for clinicians, I found that the main obstacle to overcome was clinicians’ avoidance of the topic . . . . [f]ortunately, in the last decade a reasonable consensus on the standard of care for incest survivors has emerged, thanks to the contributions of many thoughtful and experienced clinicians.”

THE LAW IN CONNECTICUT

Connecticut Department of Children and Families (DCF)

DCF was established under Connecticut General Statutes § 17a-2. This state agency offers child protection, child behavioral health, juvenile justice, and prevention services to Connecticut residents.

DCF Child Protective Investigations defines a child as “any person under eighteen (18) years of age, or under twenty-one (21) years of age and in DCF care.” Sexual Abuse/Exploitation is defined as “any incident involving a child(ren)’s non-accidental exposure to sexual behavior.”

Evidence of Sexual Abuse includes, but is not limited to the following:

• Rape
• Penetration: digital, penile, or foreign objects
• Oral / genital contact
• Indecent exposure for the purpose of sexual gratification of the offender, or for purposes of shaming, humiliating, shocking or exerting control over the victim
• Incest
• Fondling, including kissing, for the purpose of sexual gratification of the offender, or for purposes of shaming, humiliating, shocking or exerting control over the victim
• Sexual exploitation, including possession, manufacture, or distribution of child pornography, online enticement of a child for sexual acts, child prostitution, child-sex tourism, unsolicited obscene material sent to a child, or misleading domain name likely to attract a child to an inappropriate website
• Coercing or forcing a child to participate in, or be negligently exposed to, pornography and/or sexual behavior
• Disease or condition that arises from sexual transmission
• Other verbal, written or physical behavior not overtly sexual but likely designed to “groom” a child for future abuse.

Emotional Maltreatment-Abuse is defined as “act(s), statement(s), or threats, which has had, or is likely to have an adverse impact on the child and/or interferes with a child’s positive emotional development.

Evidence of Emotional Maltreatment-Abuse includes, but is not limited to, the following:

• Rejecting
• Degrading
• Isolating and/or victimizing a child by means of cruel, unusual, or excessive methods of discipline
• Exposing the child to brutal or intimidating acts or statements

Indicators of Adverse Impact of Emotional Maltreatment-Abuse may include, but are not limited to, the following:

• Depression
• Withdrawal
• Low self-esteem
• Anxiety
• Fear
• Aggression/passivity
• Emotional Instability
• Sleep disturbances
• Somatic complaints with no medical basis
• Inappropriate behavior for age or development
• Suicidal ideations or attempts
• Extreme dependence
• Academic regression
• And/or trust issues

To Report Child Abuse and/or Neglect call: 1-800-842-2288
The DCF Hotline is open 24 hours a day and 7 days a week to receive calls from people with questions, concerns, and reports of child abuse and neglect.

Connecticut Statutes

It has been said, if you want to commit the perfect crime, molest a young child. We must work for stronger laws. We must sensitize judges and juries to the realities of incest. We must stop believing that because incest involves sex, and sex is supposed to feel good that it wasn’t “such a big deal.” We must believe children. Children do not lie about such painful, humiliating experiences, but adults have every reason to . . . . [Lawsuits] are a very important step towards devictimization. These cases are difficult and stressful but can also provide a further source of validation. The financial settlements are often minimal, but the personal satisfaction can be significant.

Dr. Susan Forward and Craig Buck
Betrayal of Innocence,
Incest and its Devastation

Put simply, there are several categories of law in Connecticut: Criminal, Civil, and the Family Division, which controls marriage, divorce, and proceedings regarding children.

The Connecticut General Statues may be located on line at www.cga.ct.gov, or at most public and courthouse libraries.

When a Criminal case is prosecuted, the State, not the victim of the crime, is the complainant. Depending on the severity of the crime, the defendant is facing loss of liberty as punishment; jail time, probation, or community service.

Incest is a crime.

Criminal offenses pertaining to incest survivors include, but are not limited to, the following:

• Connecticut General Statutes § 53a-191. Incest: Class D felony.
• Connecticut General Statutes § 53a-70. Sexual assault in the first degree: Class B or A felony.
• Connecticut General Statutes § 53a-71. Sexual assault in the second degree: Class C or B felony.
• Connecticut General Statutes § 53-21. Injury or risk of injury to, impairing morals of children. Sale of children.
• Connecticut General Statutes § 53-20. Cruelty to persons.
• Connecticut General Statutes § 53a-196d. Possessing child pornography in the first degree: Class B felony.
• Connecticut General Statutes § 53a-189a. Voyeurism: Class D felony.
• Connecticut General Statutes § 53a-196. Obscenity as to minors: Class D felony.
• Connecticut General Statutes § 53a-62. Threatening in the second degree: Class A misdemeanor.

When a Civil case is pending, the plaintiff, or person wronged, commences the action, claims that the defendant has caused her/his injuries, and demands compensation from the defendant, usually monetary.

Incest may be categorized as a tort, or civil wrong. Consult an attorney regarding statutes of limitations delayed discovery time extensions for adult survivors of childhood abuse.

Civil causes of action pertaining to incest survivors include, but are not limited to, the following:

• Assault
• Battery
• False Imprisonment
• Negligence
• Mental Distress

When a Family case involving children is heard in court, the judge always considers the best interests of the child/ren first.

Incest is grounds to remove a child from the authority of her/his parent/s or guardian/s.

Family statutes pertaining to incest survivors include, but are not limited to, the following:

• Connecticut General Statutes § 46b-15. Relief from physical abuse by family or household member or person in dating relationship. Application. Court orders. Duration. Copies. Expedited hearing for violation of order. Other remedies.

• Connecticut General Statutes § 46b-21. Kindred who may not marry.

• Connecticut General Statutes § 46b-38a. Family violence prevention and response. Definitions.

• Connecticut General Statutes § 46b-38b. Investigation of family violence crime by peace officer. Arrest. Assistance to victim. Guidelines. Education and training program.

• Connecticut General Statutes § 46b-38c. Family violence response and intervention units. Local units. Duties and functions. Protective orders. Pretrial family violence education program.

• Connecticut General Statutes § 46b-129. Commitment of child or youth. Petition for neglected, un-cared for, dependent child or youth. Hearing re temporary custody, order to appear or petition. Review of permanency plan. Revocation of commitment.

Encourage Legislation Which Specifically Addresses Incest

More is needed from Connecticut’s law makers. Pressure to enact change must come from the public. Write to the following:

Hon. Chase T. Rogers
Chief Justice of the Connecticut Supreme Court
231 Capitol Avenue
Hartford, CT 06106

Hon. Lynda B. Munro
Chief Administrative Judge, Family Division
Superior Court
1 Court Street
Middletown, CT 06457

Hon. Patrick J. Clifford
Chief Administrative Judge, Criminal Division
Superior Court
1 Court Street
Middletown, CT 06457

Hon. Dennis G. Eveleigh
Chief Administrative Judge, Civil Division
Superior Court
400 Grand Street
Waterbury, CT 06702

Contact your legislators. These people want to hear from you.

Conclusion

Incest is about fear, humiliation, and obedience. It is a terrible violation of a child’s physical and emotional boundaries by loved and trusted adults. Incest has been described as the worst kind of abuse that can happen to a child. But therapy and legal help are available. The public can do much to encourage new legislation, and much needed professional training. Hats off to Mackenzie Phillips, who worked through her tremendous pain, took a gigantic leap of faith, and has inspired thousands, possibly millions of incest survivors to regain their power, and to take charge of their lives.

copyright 2010 Karen A. Stansbury, Attorney at Law